Journal: Insomnia, Anxiety, and Neurosis, Oh My

I have been dealing with my sleep issues sans pills for a week now as well as realizing that I may have some anxiety and neurosis issues. I think I need to write in a long format my thoughts and progress with this as of now. I’ll prefix this by saying that I haven’t seen a doctor about anxiety or neurosis so there could be a chance that I’m overreacting to perhaps being just stressed or sleep deprived. I’m not sure if I’d prefer to be wrong or to have a clinical word attached to how I feel and think. Regardless, this is what I’ve come to understand for the time being so far.

My mind…will not stop. It doesn’t know how to. It hasn’t been conditioned to stop because I’ve never expected it to stop. No matter what it is I’m doing, I am always thinking, planning, analyzing and it is extremely, EXTREMELY rare that I’m not doing one of the three. As I write this, I am planning my next word, sentence, and remainder of the paragraph as well as wondering where I could’ve gotten this tiny, minute scab on my right arm and examining the pigmentation of my skin where the scab is. I keep scratching at it, even though the scab is long gone, and I catch myself scratching it so I start rubbing it instead. Is that better? I’m not sure; the pigmentation of my skin seems relatively the same if a bit darker. I’m wondering now if I’m getting my point across about how I think and I’m now thinking that I should just erase all of this because it has nothing to do with what I want to talk about and if I don’t get to the point, anybody reading this will start to just skim to the end, but I don’t want them to do that because, at least to me, every word I’m typing right now is meant to mean something important about how I’m feeling and thinking and even if this writing isn’t that engaging or professional, the reader (you) will understand that this run-on sentence is intentional. However, I’m ending it there because that’s not really that amazing a writing technique and I’m just being a lazy hack.

I like to plan things and make lists. I use Google Calendar to plan each detail of my day. Half an hour for breakfast, an hour to check all my social network accounts, two to three hours to write whatever article I want to write that day, depending on what the subject and format is. I also use Google Keep, where I have multiple lists for various things. I want to watch more TV and movies as well as read more books and comics, listen to more new music, and keep up with new video games for work. So I had lists for Books To Read, Comics To Read, Shows To Watch, Movies To Watch, Music To Listen To, and Games To Play, as well as a record of what Games I’ve Played, Albums I’ve Heard, and Movies I’ve Watched. That is not to forget other lists for real life things such as things I need to pick up at Walmart, a list of Sin’s medications, and a list of Games and Shows I’m currently playing / watching in case I forget or something. It’s unlikely I wouldn’t remember what I’m playing or watching. So I came to the conclusion that I enjoy being able to delete things off a list. It gives me a feeling of accomplishment, I suppose, so I started making unnecessary lists.

As for the other lists, whenever I found something that interested me, I would add them to the appropriate list. The lists became long rather quickly and I became overwhelmed with them. They had become tasks I needed to accomplish and I was now so behind since I was adding stuff quicker than I could delete them off. However, it was all unnecessary. None of this mattered. I didn’t need to do any of this. This was all a burden I inexplicably put on myself and it wasn’t the first time I’d done this. On Wednesday night, I visited my buddy Don at his place and while talking with him, he made a casual remark about just doing what he felt like doing in his free time. I went home and emptied out my list of videos I wanted to watch online, inspired by what he said as well as started up a playthrough of the game Shovel Knight because I just felt like it. However, the next morning I didn’t like looking at my queue all empty and not only re-entered all the videos I had deleted, I added more that I felt I had “missed” the first time. I became overwhelmed again and Sunday night, I emptied my queue AND deleted nearly all of my lists.

The following night was really hard as I didn’t know what to do with myself as I didn’t have anything planned on purpose so that I would just do what came natural or what I found interesting at that moment. I constantly wanted to make lists, make some kind of plan, or do something to organize something in my life. At one point, I kept pacing the ground, having a silent conversation with myself in my mind for 15 minutes, possibly more, going back and forth with myself whether or not this is even possible. I guess I needed to do anything I could to suck the spontaneity out of my time. It eventually went away and I felt better but as I write this, I do feel a sense of wanting the lists back. They feel comfortable, familiar. I know that I’m the kind of guy that if I don’t know what’s going to happen if I do something, then I just don’t do it. I don’t care how badly I want to do it. If someone spontaneously wants to do something and invites me to do it with them, my immediate reaction is to say no. We should know what’s going to happen or at least what the possibilities are. We should have planned it, given some kind of notice or something. I guess I gotta just do things as they present themselves. I feel like I need to. But I don’t want to.

Because of my insomnia, my sleep schedule is all out of wack and as such, I’ve been sleeping during the day and up all night for the past few days. When I was on the sleeping pills my doctor prescribed to me, I was maintaining a sleep schedule for the most part but I was only sleeping less than six hours each night. So I’ve been able to sleep a full eight hours since for the most part. However, not always well as I sometimes kept waking up. Today, I woke up after feeling too hot and too cold at the same time. Sin had turn the air conditioner on but I had my heating blanket on. I went back to sleep but eventually woke up after starting to feel hot. It’s not always temperature related but that’s just the most recent example. I woke up, feeling stiff and tired, but after eating, I fell back asleep for another three hours. Then I woke up feeling a bit groggy but well. Some days are like this, where I feel like I have mood swings thanks to the patches of sleep I get. Other days are better or worse.

Since I was young, one of my greatest fears was going crazy. Nothing specific like bipolar disease or schizophrenia but something that would make me lose control of my own mind, the one singular thing I am confident I am strong in. Putting that way hopefully makes it understandable why I would dread that. So this process has been really hard for me to comprehend, let alone handle. I thought that by having all these plans and schedules I was controlling my own path but in reality, I was being controlled by the plans and schedules. So now I have to relinquish control in order to regain control, which makes no sense to me. It doesn’t help that this process has rendered me nearly stifled for this whole week. I haven’t really done anything productive this whole time. I’ve wanted to, I’ve tried to, I’ve even attempted to. However, I’m now fearing falling back into my old patterns and schedules and plans. I’m fearing losing control again so I’m purposely giving up control so I can control ultimately what I can’t fully control. Myself. I just don’t know. Right now, I don’t know if I ever will. Maybe I can just get closer than I am right now to knowing. To control.

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